


Stronger Than Death

by corgi_loaf



Category: Degrassi, Degrassi the Next Generation, Degrassi: Next Class
Genre: Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Breakdown, Mental Instability, References to Depression, Suicide Attempt, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-23
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-09-24 13:35:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20359360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/corgi_loaf/pseuds/corgi_loaf
Summary: Maya's inner monologue after the death of Campbell Saunders.





	Stronger Than Death

Cam was an angel in a broken world. He was too pure for this world and that’s why he was taken away. After the bus crash, every one of my emotions from when Cam died came back and flooded my brain. It was like I was reliving it, every depressing moment from Miles scaring me to hooking up with people just to feel something again. I thought everyone was fine okay. I thought I was better. I’m not, it’s like my mental instability was lying in wait until the next time something bad happened. 

Tristian’s coma was what sent me over the edge. When the bus crashed, my life flashed before my eyes. When I came back to reality, I saw a glimpse of my friends all twisted and broken until I blacked out again and woke up in the hospital. At that moment I thought of Cam. Cam was twisted and broken like that on the inside and I had no idea. I knew he was sensitive and the smallest things would make him upset, but until he died, I didn’t know how deep it was. When it happened I didn’t want to be sad. I did everything I could to feel anything but depressed. I turned to anger to cope. He never even said goodbye. 

When I first saw Saad’s photos of the tragedies that he witnessed, I knew he was someone I could trust to talk about my feelings. His encouragement wasn’t devious, I used him to feel something. He just wanted a friend and I took advantage of that. I owe him an apology for everything I did. His encouragement sent me over the edge.

During the play, I knew that was the right time to do it. To join Cam. Everyone was distracted and happy and no one was thinking about me. I could just disappear and no one would notice. But Zig noticed. Zig is someone that has always been there and he tried to tell me once that he killed Cam, but I didn’t believe him. Why would he go out of his way to tell Cam that he was a psycho and that we wouldn’t last? And if he did, why would Cam text me that it’s over. Killing himself was a lousy way to break up with me but I wish I knew what he was feeling leading up to that.

When I woke up in the hospital after my suicide attempt, Zig was the first face I saw. Even though we broke up and he basically wanted nothing to do with me, he was there when I needed it most. My other friends were with him and Grace made me feel a bit better but saying she still loved me and that she didn’t realize what I was going through. Great, my life is a parallel to Cam’s but without the sweet release of death. I didn’t realize how many people actually cared about me till that moment. Sure I could be crazy a lot of the times, but people can handle my type of crazy and I was too blinded by self-pity to notice. 

My years in high school were a trainwreck. Cam was the high point, dating him was like reaching the top of Mount Everest and his death made me plummet down until I was buried in the ground below. My life spun out of control and my depression began to rapidly take over until I was a former shell of myself. I wanted to be a singer, a musician, but instead, I was a broken teenage girl with boy problems. And not your normal boy problems.

Coming back to school after my suicide attempt was a challenge. Zig was still with Esme and everyone treated me like a fragile doll. I wasn’t going to break if you even slightly breathed in my direction but everyone was acting like that. My therapist, my mom, my sister, Grace, Zig, everyone. Things did take a turn when prom rolled around and Zig was broken up with Esme. We went together and even though she almost killed him, it wasn’t too bad of an end to my high school career. 

Now that high school is a thing of the past, I have more road to grow and become who I really want to me. Zig and I got back together and things were finally starting to look up until Zig stayed over one night.

“Maya?” He asked. I was laying in his arms on the couch so I looked up to answer, “Yes?”

“Remember what I told you after Cam died?” Cam... He knew how sensitive I was to hear that name, why would he bring him up. I nodded before he continued. “I was serious. He was sitting on the steps of the school and I was so jealous and angry that he had all your attention. I felt like he was taking you away from me so I said what I said and he killed himself.”

I got out of his arms and stood up, trying to find the right words to say. He looked at me with hurt in his eyes, like if you kicked a puppy. I can only imagine what he saw in my face as I paced in a circle and tried to comprehend this. 

“You killed Cam.” I finally managed to get out.

Zig stood up and came over to me. He tried to hug me but I backed away to avoid it. I shook my head and his hurt puppy eyes lingered over me. 

“Don’t,” I said plainly, pointing at the door for him to leave. 

He froze for a minute before taking the hint. He walked towards the door, giving me a sad look before leaving. I stood in shock for about thirty seconds before crumbling to my knees. Tears filled my eyes and I tried to hold them back but the dam was already cracked and it wasn’t long before I was completely sobbing. 

I hadn’t thought about Cam since the night I tried to kill myself but knowing Zig was the reason, that broke me. I thought I could trust Zig, he was my best and closest friend next to Grace and he killed Cam. Zig cut off the wings of an angel and expected him to still be able to fly. He did something disgusting and unforgivable. The first time he told me this, I didn’t believe him. It’s not so much that I didn’t think he would do that, it was more that I was so in denial about Cam’s suicide that I didn’t want to believe it. 

I heard footsteps as my mom ran downstairs. She didn’t say a word, just got down and cradled me in her arms as I sobbed. She was the most worried about me and I can understand why. We had a strong mother-daughter relationship so she didn’t even need to ask what was wrong before using her motherly powers to try to calm the storm. I cried into her shirt and my sister came down to join us, wrapping her arms around us both and resting her head on mine. 

They both tried to do something similar to this when Cam died. I had hooked up at a senior party and was too rebellious to see the wrongs of my actions no matter how much Katie screamed at me that I shouldn’t do that. Cam broke my heart and wasn’t around to pick up the pieces. My shattered heart wanted to feel something, anything and my family wouldn’t let me do that. My words from that day still float around in my head.

“ _ HE BROKE UP WITH ME BY KILLING HIMSELF! I HATE HIM I HATE HIM! I FEEL LIKE I’M NEVER GOING TO BE HAPPY AGAIN! AND EVERYDAY IT JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE I CAN'T-MISS HIM ANYMORE! I CAN’T I DON’T WANT TO! He never even said goodbye.” _

My mind went back to that day while my family comforted me. I cried harder and Katie gently ran her hand along my back, saying shhh as she did. I cried for what seems like an eternity before coming back to reality. I told them what Zig told me and they didn’t defend his actions, they were a hundred percent on my side. Katie offered to go get me ice cream and my mom asked if I wanted to go do something fun to clear my head. I shook my head and silently headed to my room. I could sense them watching me go and I knew they would be in hearing range of me to make sure I wasn’t going to do anything. 

I laid in bed and stared up at the ceiling. I pointed up at it, trying to connect each curve and indent on the ceiling’s design. My mind was still occupied with thoughts of my low points but slowly they faded into numbness and I closed my eyes. 

Peace is a hard thing to find when you’ve never really experienced it. Peace can clear your mind entirely and everything that was bothering you even a minute before would vanish. Peace was impossible and overthinking was inevitable. Your mind races along and can change focus with the wind. Your mindset changes with the moon and one minute you could be overjoyed and the next wishing you had never been born. 

I wonder what Cam’s mind was like. He was so sweet and innocent and just wanted to live up to his family’s expectations with hockey. I don’t even think he liked the sport, he was just doing it for his family and it was almost like he couldn’t think for himself. I can imagine (or hope) that I was on his mind a lot. He overthought a lot about our relationship but reassuring him of my love wasn’t hard. I knew what we had was something special. Meeting him was meeting my soulmate and the universe just didn’t want us to be happy. I wish Cam had talked to a therapist like I now do, maybe it would have helped him. 

They told me after that he was probably suffering from a lot of mental illnesses. Depression and anxiety of course but also a possible psychological disorder. Can’t I relate? You wouldn’t even notice how much he was hurting until you really talked to him or looked into his eyes and saw a whimper for help. His whimper was too soft for anyone to hear. I didn’t hear it until it was silenced. 

I opened my eyes again to look at the ceiling. Still the same number of indents and curves as the last time I looked at it. Footsteps were made outside my door and I knew that they were worried about me, who could blame them. I had told them I was alright afterwards but it didn’t soften their mindsets of how Maya’s spiralling again. Cam will always be a big part of my life and the dead-end in his life path showed a passage for me to follow through a dark forest and getting out was the biggest challenge of my life. I still dwell in the forest from time to time but I stay close enough to the sunlight that finding my way out is as simple as leaving a trail of crumbs back to safety. 


End file.
